Sunday, November 23, 2008

Flying away

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ~Elizabeth Stone "

Friday, I experienced this..yet my 2/5 's of my heart flew 3,000 miles away from me. Sierra and Jared flew to Palm Springs. They hadn't been out to California since last Thanksgiving. A year. This was the longest stretch ever. It was particularly hard for Jared. He gets anxiety, and is so very much like his Mom. Some people are muffins and others are stale bagels. I'm a muffin. I'm emotional, I'm squishy, I feel things to my very core. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and when I die, people will not wonder how I felt about things. I cry and I am proud of that. If something hurts me, I express it. If something brings me joy, I smile. If my heart breaks, I don't hide it, I don't make excuses for it, I don't pretend I'm okay. I feel deeply. I won't apologize for being a muffin. I'm quite proud of it actually. Stale bagels leave much to be desired.

That horrible moment...the one I dread every single time they head happened again on Friday at 5:40pm. It is truly a feeling that is impossible to know you need to be strong, but your heart is breaking...literally causing physical pain as they walk away...down the tarmac. Jared is always the last one to walk away. He hesitates a moment...then looks back at me with tears streaming down his face. His eyes meet mine, he gives me one last wave. I mouth, "I love you" as he disappears. Then I just stand there, numb and broken. It is SO VERY FREAKING HARD. I've had a ritual ever since the kids first started flying out there...I walk up to the window and watch as the plane pulls away. I place my hand against the glass, and I close my eyes for a moment as I ask God to send 10,000 angels to fly with them. I felt peace this time, as I knew they would be okay. They are God's children, after all, He has just loaned them to me for awhile.

As I sat there waiting for them to pull away, I felt so alone...very, very alone. I went to the airport alone again (just like last time). I guess I feel like nobody really understands the pain of letting your children fly 3,000 miles away...and the fact that it hurts me is something I don't feel like having to justify. I called home and Steve was so busy with the other kids...he couldn't offer me the comfort I needed. So I called my Dad...just to hear a reassuring voice. He isn't one for small talk and chatting...but I didn't need that anyway. I just needed to be understood. "Hi Dad...I'm sitting here at Logan and the kids' plane just left." "And Mom's heart is breaking", he said. Precisely.

Then, I hung up and Sierra called me from the plane...sitting on the runway. "I love you, Mom...want to say bye again to Jared too"? I did. I told them to look towards the gate and they'd see me standing in the window. There I was, waving as 2/5's of my heart flew away.

I got lost on the way home, while on the phone trying to help Steve figure out his laptop. I can't see at night anyway, so that was a bit scary and un-nerving for me...and I almost ran out of gas too. Par for the course...a crappy day all the way around.

One week from now, they will be home again. For now, honestly, I am "faking it" quite well. Pretending to be okay and holding it together for the kids I have home still. I was at church today and 2 dear lady friends hugged me and said, "don't pretend...let it out". I said, "no way...then I'll never stop". I sit...keeping myself busy with cleaning and getting ready for Thanksgiving. I know very well how immensely blessed I am. I have a lot to be thankful for. This year we will have Thanksgiving at our house with my MOM (still can't believe she lives 5 miles away from me!!), Steve's parents, Scott and Curly. It promises to be a special day. We'll be celebrating it under the same Autumn sky as Sierra and Jared...3,000 miles apart...but they know their Mom loves them with all my heart.

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