The point of this.

I've taken a two-week hiatus from my blog. I needed to decide if I wanted to continue writing it. Someone said something to me about one of my entries and I realized that I felt both violated and misunderstood. So, I feel I need to clarify something.

I started this blog as a place to jot down my thoughts. It's a diary of sorts...but without the handwriting that bothers my hands so much. I don't write for anyone's enjoyment, per se. I don't write to be judged. I don't write to amuse. I write to put my heart and thoughts on "paper". It helps me to think things through, to relive moments, to remember, to analyze, to smile, to laugh, to cry...you know...I write for therapy. Please don't read my blog if you feel the need to be judgmental, critical and negative...or if you feel you need to take every single thing I write literally and psychoanalyze me. Really. I'm sure you could find much more interesting material in your local bookstore. If, however, you follow my blog because you know me, you love me and my children, you understand me--or you seek to, you delight in the day-to-day moments that make up my world...then, by all means, enjoy. Thanks for being special part of my life.

Happy New Year!

With the start 2009 comes hopes for a better year.

Financially, physically, emotionally...2008 was a draining one. I, for one, am looking forward to a fresh start.

There is one member of my family who is definitely on the path to an exciting year! My brother, Scott, has spent the last 4 days in Atlanta. He went down to visit Lori. She was my best friend during my freshman and sophomore years in high school. They dated for awhile back then, and eventually lost touch. In October, I found Lori again online. Scott and Lori reconnected too...on so many levels. In 37 years, I have never seen Scott so happy. I can't think of anyone who deserves this more. With all of my heart, I am wishing him a lifetime of joy and peace.

On our homefront I am wishing for loss. That sounds odd...but I'm talking about loss of the good variety: weight loss, debt reduction, loss of attitude in certain children and less stress. Contrarily, I am wishing for more: more family time, more time with Steve, more alone time...more time. Time to enjoy the simple pleasures and the great blessings, time to read, time to sleep, time to get everything done, time to do nothing at all.

Here's to a wonderful 2009. :)

It's all in the presentation...

In continuing with our Christmas traditions, I am on my way upstairs to spend some time with the Santa wrap.

In our home, Santa Claus brings the kids one gift each and he fills their stockings with goodies. The gift is left on the fireplace under the stockings. Santa doesn't bring the biggest or the best gift...but it's something neat. We feel our kids should appreciate people they can thank in person for their gifts ;) After all, a LOT of thought, work and love goes into finding the perfect Christmas gifts. Santa's gifts are always wrapped in special paper. This paper has pictures of Santa all over it, and no other wrap under the tree has Santa on it. The kids can tell right away which gifts are from him that way. This paper is never seen in our home--ever. It has been determined that Santa must wrap the gifts that are found in the stockings and on the fireplace at the North Pole. The tags that he puts on the kids gifts also have Santa's picture on them...and there are no other tags like that to be found anywhere around these parts. Wonder where it comes from?

Pretty cool guy that Santa Claus. I think Mrs. Claus must have something to do with all of this Memory Making too :)

Memory Lane...

So much for posting daily about our Christmas traditions...life kept me too occupied for that.

I could go on and on about how my heart was broken this weekend and how raising a teenaged girl is, by far, the hardest thing I have ever done. I could rehash all of the details, shed some more tears, feel more regret, delve further seeking a deeper understanding...but I won't. It is almost Christmas afterall, a time for joy.

Instead, I will ramble on about another of our traditions...one that is near and dear to my heart.

Every Christmas since the kids were born, I've bought them each an ornament. That ornament generally has something to do with a milestone or memory that was shared during the previous year. Taking the top off of the ornament bin each year is like lifting the lid off a treasure trove of memories. When we decorate the tree, with the carols on in the background, the kids each hang their own collection. Memories are revisted of seasons past. I hang the first 5 ornaments on the tree, they are always the photo ones of the kids on their first Christmases...and I need to make certain they receive priority placement on the tree. ;)




Sierra Marie's first Christmas-1992, she was 2 weeks shy of 1 year old.








Jared Chaloner's first Christmas-1995, he was only 8 days old.














Shawn Michael's first Christmas-2000, he was 5 1/2 months old.








Malia Kensie's first Christmas-2002, she was 5 1/2 months old.












Kassia Rachel's first Christmas-2004, she was 6 months old.










Some of the ornaments bring back memories of "phases" the kids went through--like Jared's fondness for Star Wars and his Obi Wan ornament, Shawn's love for firetrucks, or Malia and Kasi's Princess ones. Others remind us of accomplishments, like Sierra's ice-skate (the year she learned how), her field hockey one or the book one from the year she learned to read. Each one holds a special place in my heart. We find the perfect ornament when on vacation too, there is one up there of a hula dancing Santa from our Maui honeymoon in 1999 and various other trips.

Like this one from our 2006 venture to the White Mountains in New Hampshire... where we went in the glacial caves on Loon Mountain, enjoyed the foliage, hiked the flume gorge and spent priceless time together. This years family ornament is Mickey Mouse, from our August surprise vacation to Disney World. I will forever cherish those memories.





Sierra's ornament this year will says "New Driver", since this is the year she learned to drive. She is due to get her license in just a few weeks!










Jared's 2008 "memory jogger" is of a locker and the year he went to Junior High. This has been quite a year for him, he is learning a new language (Spanish), made the Honor Roll, made the "A Team" in Travel Soccer, got a cell phone and his voice changed. :)














When I asked Shawny what he wanted to remember most about 2008, he replied..."hmm...Disney". I said, "besides that"...so he mentioned his home run. This year in baseball, he hit TWO home runs...on the same day, no less. It was quite an exciting day for him...and a proud one for his Mom. :)








Miss Malia started Kindgergarten this year, and there's no stopping her now. She is on cloud 9 every day, and absolutely loves it. She gets upset on the weekends, because there isn't school...so this Christmas break could be a looooooooong one for her. :)














"Kasi Girl" 's ornament this year is destined to be nostalgic. She has a rather large affinitity for hippos. She has a collection of hippo stuffed animals which she has been known to carry with her all around town. So, when I saw this, it naturally made me think of her. It plays a song, "I want a hippopotamus for Christmas, only a hippopotamus will do...." and Santa is trying to fit the darned thing down the chimney. She LOVES it and has memorized the words. I know that through the years, when she hangs this on the tree...I will look back on the memory of my littlest girl at this Christmas season and smile.





A moment of glancing at the tree, can send me down memory lane and I return with a smile on my face. As I noted above, this tradition and collection is so precious to me.

The ornament that stood out the most to me this morning was this one. It is Sierra's. The year she received it, it was to remember that she accepted Jesus as her Savior that summer. I will never forget the phone call. She was away at Bible camp with our church and she called me to share the news with me. I hung up the phone with tears in my eyes. My little girl had Jesus in her heart. She had Him to walk beside her through life, to guide her and pick her up when she falls. I cling to that nowadays especially. The teen years are hard on everyone involved...hard on the child, heartbreaking for parents. I know my teen years put my own parents through the ringer. I find myself relying even heavier on my faith these days. I know God never gives you more than you can handle...and that I am supposed to "let go, and let God." When I fail to do this, I fail to meet my own expections as a mother. I did that this weekend, and I have forgiven myself, knowing and trusting that God has forgiven me. So it is with that trust and faith that I am looking forward. Looking back doesn't get you anywhere and you might miss what is ahead on the horizon. A good friend of mine at church told me something very important this weekend. She said, "Kaylene, you have laid the foundation for her. She knows right from wrong, she knows what you expect...and someday, she WILL come back to that. Trust that." So, that is what I am doing. I am "trusting in the Lord will all my heart, leaning not unto my own understanding...acknowledging Him, and he will direct my paths."

Merry CHRISTmas and Happy Birthday, Jesus. :) Here's to a year of hope and joy ahead.

Christmas Traditions...

"We have a lot of Christmas traditions, Mom"...

"We sure do, Jared."

Realizing how many "must-do's" we have at this time of year, I decided I should jot them down over the next few days for future reference and memory jogging.

This morning started off in the same way that every other December morning begins...with the search for Cocoa. No, not hot cocoa. Cocoa, the Elf. On Christmas Eve of 2006, Cocoa came to join our family. He was given to our by our dear friends, the Geist's. He was the cutest little "Elf on a Shelf" and he returns every year at the beginning of December. He came with a story book, it reads like this:

"Have you ever wondered how Santa could know
if you're naughty or nice each year as you grow?
For hundreds of years it's been a big secret
It now can be shared if you promise to keep it.

At holiday time
Santa sends me to you.
I watch and report
on all that you do.
My job's an assignment
from Santa himself.
I am his helper,
a friendly scout elf.

The first time I come to the place you call home
you quickly must give me a name of my own.
Once you are finished my mission can start.
What will you call me-Markle or Zart?
Will it be Foddle, Criddle or Clyde?
Fisbee's cute, too, but you must decide.

Each night while you're sleeping
to Santa I'll fly
to the North Pole
right through the dark sky.
Of course Christmas magic
helps me be quick.
I laugh with my friends
and report to Saint Nick.

I tell him if you have been good or been bad.
The news of the day makes him happy or sad.
A push or a shove I'll report to "the Boss, "
but small acts of kindness will not be a loss.

In the car, at the park,
or even at school
the word will get out
if you broke a rule.

I'll be back at your home before you awake,
and then you must find the new spot I will take.
You'll jump out of bed and come running to see:
who'll be the first to spy little old me?

Maybe the kitchen, the bathroom, or den
is where you will find me, your special elf friend.
I can hide on a plant, a shelf or a frame.
Where will I be? Let's make it a game.

There's only one rule that you have to follow
so I will come back and be here tomorrow:
Please do not touch me. My magic might go,
and Santa won't hear all I've seen or I know.

I won't get to tell him that you've said your prayers,
or helped to bake cookies,
or cleaned off the stairs.
How will he know how good you have been?
He might start to think you forgot about him.

I can't speak to you, so says Santa Claus.
All of us elves have to follow his laws.

I'll listen to you. Tell me your wishes.
Would you like a game or some tiny toy dishes?
The gleam in my eye and my bright little smile
shows you I'm listening and noting your file.

The final decision with Santa now rests.
What do you think?
Will you get your request?

The night before Christmas my job's at an end.
The rest of the year with Santa I'll spend.
So blow me a kiss and bid me farewell.
I'll fly away when I hear Santa's bell.
Of course I will miss you,
but wait 'til next year.
When the holidays come I'll again reappear.

Until then I wish every girl and each boy
a Christmas of peace and a year full of joy."


So today began with Malia running down the hall and searching for Cocoa. She wakes up much earlier in December...she MUST be the first one to find Cocoa. She's quite competitive, that silly girl of mine. Today, Cocoa dared to venture onto uncharted territory...this is where she found him...

Yes, that's my village and Cocoa is hiding amongst it. He's sneaky, that little elf...



When Kassia saw him, a bit of panic spread across her face...

"Mommy! He's in your...your...'don't touch' place!"

"It's okay, Kasi, I'll trust him not to break anything...he's watched all of you 'look with your eyes and not your hands', right?" ;)

The kids take Cocoa very seriously. Yesterday, when Malia upset her sister by whacking her on the head, Kassia bolted over to where Cocoa was hiding. Malia was hot on her heels behind her.

Kasi was more than happy to report the naughty news:

"Cocoa, Malia was wicked mean to me, she did this to me (bonked herself on the head to show him what had happened)... so make sure you tell Santa that she doesn't get any presents."

As soon as Kasi walked away, Malia could be heard whispering in Cocoa's ear...

"Don't listen to her, Cocoa...she doesn't know what she's talking about".

Ah, just one of many Christmas traditions...this one brings me daily giggles :)

In the arms of my Angel...

Take one look at our Christmas tree, and you can't help but notice the beautiful angel on top. She's not just any angel...she was given to me by MY angel. His name is Steve.

I was talking to my brother, Scott, tonight and somehow the conversation turned to Christmas traditions. Not quite sure how I ended up on the topic...but I filled him in on the story of my angel.

Once upon a time, I was a single Mom to Sierra and Jared. Christmases used to be particularly hard for me. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday, but back in those days...it was sometimes hard to smile through it all. I'd struggle to save enough money to buy a tree, and would struggle even more to set the darned thing up in the stand by myself. I'd wrestle it to the car, tie it to the roof, bring it inside, hold it with one hand and screw the stand into it at the same time. Often times, it would tip over and I'd try again. Eventually, I'd get it to stand up straight and would put the lights and ornaments on it. At the tip-top, I'd put my cracked blinking star. No money to buy a new one...and it worked good enough for us. Besides, the star was rather like my heart...broken, but still functioning and putting on a good show.

In the Fall of 1998, Steve and I began dating. We had been friends for about a year at that point. I had found a true friend, someone who understood me and how precious my children were. Winter came and it was time to buy my Christmas tree. This year, Steve went with us. He bought it for us, brought it to our home and set it up. Around that time, the movie "City of Angels" came out. We watched it together and I clearly recall how deeply affected I was. I told Steve that he was my angel...in so many ways. That Christmas he gave me a gift...my angel for the top of our Christmas tree. It was a beautiful reminder of what he meant to me...and to my children. Like an angel sent from above, he took me away from it all...the pain, the hurt, the lies, the emptiness, the brokeness. I didn't need my cracked star anymore, he had healed my heart.

I remember hearing the lyrics to the Sarah McLachlan song at the end of that movie and being reduced to tears. It was my story...and I found comfort in his arms...

Arms of an Angel Lyrics: "Spend all your time waiting for that second chance For the break that will make it okThere's always some reason to feel “not good enough? And it's hard at the end of the day I need some distraction, oh beautiful release Memories seep from my veins They may be empty and weightless, and maybe I'll find some peace tonight In the arms of an Angel, fly away from here From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn There's vultures and thieves at your back The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies That you make up for all that you lack It don't make no difference, escaping one last time It's easier to believe In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness That brings me to my knees In the arms of an Angel, far away from here From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie In the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here."

Her voice is hauntingly beautiful... CLICK HERE:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mw1HQn2mmN8&feature=related

When you look at the photo of the angel on our tree below, doesn't she look even more heaven-sent now? :)

Smarty pants...

I'm sitting down here checking my email, while Kasi is watching an episode of "My Friends Tigger and Pooh". Darby (Poohs friend) is talking about butterflies and says "does anyone know what this is called? It's what butterflies come out of when they are ready to fly?"

Suddenly I hear Kassia yell..."CHRYSALIS....IT'S A CHRYSALIS!!!"

WOW! What 4 year old knows that?!!

Little smarty pants.